I didn’t plan to write this tonight, I was actually coming to give an update on my little journey, but I was asked to expand so I thought I would. This is going to be a long post, with background information…..so sorry in advance for putting you all to sleep…
When I was 23, I developed an extraordinary friendship with a Dutch guy who I met through World of Warcraft, he couldn’t get his team speak working so being a good guild officer that I was, I offered to help. Well it was one of those conversations that once you start talking you just cant stop – I remember the date the 15th of September. I wouldn’t believe him that he was only 21 because his voice was far too deep. The conversation started at about 7pm GMT (8PM CET) and ended about 4am, simply because I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.
The next night the conversation resumed, just liked we had never been to bed, and work in separate countries. Neither of us where encouraging anything we simply just could not stop talking about music, art, books, cultural differences, our homes and families, the days we had had, our hopes, dreams and plans for the future.
This began to happen night after night, nothing was out-of-bounds between us and most of what we talked about was utter drivel but we managed to fill hours, long hours. The longest conversation we had on Skype was over 12 hours long, and I kid you not we where present for each one of them. We fell asleep most nights talking to each other on Skype. We emailed or messaged constantly through the day as well about stupid things – I worked in a location with no signal so had to leave my phone on a windowsill where I got reception and used to jump like a school girl when I got a message. I still have all the emails in a folder in my inbox – yet another leftover I’ve not brought myself to rid myself of. I can’t bring myself to read them.
We eventually decided to take the slightly reckless decision to meet, being young safety gets thrown out of the window at times. Holland is roughly an hour from England, and we had spent that long talking to each other it felt natural to just want to have a conversation in person. So flights were booked, hotels were arranged and I was off to Holland for a long weekend.
It was magical, he was late….. now I’ve been to Schiphol Airport before, but I simply got off my plane and got on a train, but this time I wandered around for an hour, thinking “OMG, he’s not coming!” turns out there was traffic, it happens at 8am in any country, who knew?
It was slightly awkward at first, because we had spent that long talking (I mean hours wise) we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to act around one another. Being stuck in a car on the drive into Amsterdam soon solved that, as I was a nervous wreck being on the wrong side of the road. We spent the day wandering around Amsterdam, visiting the Rijksmuseum, the little shops and a lovely restaurant for our tea. The next day upon returning to the car, we found a parking ticket on it…funny how things stick in your mind. We spent the day at a theme park and the following day watching movies, before I flew home, but here is where it gets interesting.
During the Godfather, which I had never seen before, we were laid on the sofa and he kissed me, I was slightly shocked but it felt right and I kissed him back. It wasn’t like they say time stopped as I was that shocked my head was spinning, nothing was said we just continued watching the film.
The drive to the airport was horrible, I didn’t want to go home and he didn’t want me to go but there was no way to stay and no plan. It was pouring down with rain, a really miserable grey day one of those depressing days. When he dropped me off he pulled up outside and stopped the car and we said good-bye in the car before getting out and when we did I was drenched with in a minuet and in the pouring rain on a cold day in Holland he kissed me again, before he got in the car and drove away. I walked into the air port crying, god knows what they thought of me.
When I got home, we continued like we had been for a months, planning our next adventure, continuing our conversations and emails during the day. On Christmas eve here in England it snowed, my car was covered in a thick layer of snow and I went out and wrote happy Xmas on it before taking a photo and sending it to him and his family. But slowly in the new year something had changed, he had gone skiing for the New Year and this meant family time, something I knew he was never comfortable with. On his return he was changed, he was never around much any more and didn’t reply to my emails or messages or if he did it would take days. I tried not to read too much into this as I knew he was also busy at work but I knew there was something wrong.
One evening when we did finally manage to have a conversation, it was mentioned that his family where not happy with the situation something to do with me being English. Not much I can do about that, my parents where not overly enthused but as long as I was happy that was all that mattered to them. After that all conversations stopped. Full stop.
It broke me, I’d lost my best friend,I actually cried my self to sleep most night’s, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like a fight with other friends where some one has actually done something wrong or has been perceived to have done something. Short of hopping on a plane I couldn’t fix this, and I didn’t know if I did that, would he speak to me? Would he be allowed to?
I missed him, I missed the daft conversations, the silly messages during the day – his terrible jokes, there where things I wanted to say to him, ask his opinion on but I had no way of doing this. One night I hit upon the idea of creating an email address that I could write to, I could write down all the things I wanted to say, to ask and put it out there. Although I would not get a reply, it was better than nothing, and surprisingly as I was writing I could hear his reply in my head. Some months I would send multiple emails and then go months with out one.
I’ve been writing for 2/3 years on and off now – I don’t specifically write to him any more it’s now more of email address just for me to vent at, although sometimes I do ask for and opinion or tell him about seeing our favorite band, I sent uploaded the video footage. I know I need to stop, but I can’t because I don’t know why our friendship ended so abruptly. I need to clear out the email address of the emails as they are pointless, just a snapshot of moments in time be it happy or sad, and if I read them it’s not going to change anything.
I have only once emailed him since, when I really needed a friend about 3 years ago. He didn’t even read it.